Alive again

What one writes reflects their inner state of mind and mine had been pretty muddled for the past couple of weeks. I had not been able to be my quintessential happy-go-lucky girl then. But I believe I have learnt how to take most things with a pinch of salt now. Otherwise it would pinch the people around me in a nasty manner beyond description.

Perhaps the song "kahaan chali gayi hai saali khushi" (where has the bloody happiness gone?) from the movie "Dev-D" best described my predicament. I even thought something was wrong!! Silly me!!!

Even though I could not put my finger on the reason for my restlessness, I did realize that I needed to relax, have time for myself, ask myself some questions and at the same time count my blessings.

Having done that over the weekend, I feel alive again :-)

So much to play and so little time

I was thinking about the new addition to our family and was smiling to myself when I remembered my conversation with my niece, my cousin's adorable daughter the last time I visited their place at my native.

Me: Hey sweetheart, what are you doing?

My niece: I am bored and I want to play!

Me: Alright, that sounds like fun! Let's play!

My niece:  But I can't play!

Me: Why not???

My niece:  I have so many toys, but I don't know what to play with!

Me: Pick your favorite toy and we will play with that!

My niece:  But all of them are my favorite!

Me: Then close your eyes and just pick one toy and we will play.

My niece:   If I close my eyes, then how will I pick something without seeing it? You are not helping me at all and confusing me even more!

Me: *stunned silence*

My niece:   There is so much to play and so little time!

Aaaaaah.....I would do anything to be a little kid again, where the only worry in the world is not being able to decide what to play! :) :) :)

The stinking truth?

Last Friday I reached my office campus early so as to be done with my work equally early in the evening. Normally I use the stairs, but I don't know what got into me, I rushed into the elevator and found myself standing beside 3 other people.

Now, I don't know what am I supposed to make of it. The moment I got into the elevator, all three walked out!!

The only possible reasons I can think of - all three coincidentally forgot to have their breakfast and probably were rushing to the cafeteria or I need to consider a change of my deo brand!!

Let me just assume that it was the former and get on with my life ;-)

Confessions!

I've been fiddling with a lot of ideas for a while now but none of them materialized into blog posts so far.

No, I don't want to write about the always-barking dog from the second floor of our apartment or drone about the miseries at my new work place. Yeah, Facebook went public yesterday though its not making a hell of a difference in my life. And when politics is not exactly your favorite topics, do the mango people really care about anything else? Not sure!

Well, jokes apart, the only word to describe my predicament right now is "stuck". Stuck may be because I am too contended with what I am doing or may be because I don't want to move out of my comfort zone. Unless I crawl out of this comfort zone, there is very little chance to do anything outstanding. This is similar to the way I've been treating this space. I almost always write when I feel good or when there is a steady inflow of thoughts and mostly when it suits me. And I don't push myself or challenge my limits.

I am stuck. All I need is a stinging motivation, a burning ambition that will not let me sleep. That's the only way to crawl out of this rut.

Amma and me :)

Today on Mother's Day, I felt as if I haven't done anything for her all these years. But then it struck me that whatever I do for her, it would be nothing, simply nothing when compared to the love she showers on me each and every moment!

Growing up, I was always my daddy's girl and was scared of my mom. Needless to say, I miss my dad a lot. I am more attached to my mom now. I know she loves me so much (even though I get scolded by her at least 20 times a day) and wants me to be ME despite everything. I want to be so much like her, but deep down I don't think I can be as awesome as she is. She is truly a gem of a person and I am super lucky to have her in my life.

Love you Amma :-)

Love you Amma

What do you really need?

We want so many things in life - a luxurious villa facing the ocean, a fat six figure salary, a perfect chiseled goddess-like figure and what not!! Sometimes we do get what we want and many times we don't.

In real life, you usually get things which you really really want if you try hard. Sometimes we also have these good-to-have wish list which usually comes into limelight and life changes around and makes you achieve those wishes. In fact, I have felt this. Many times, there are certain things that I want only in my head. Say for example the sexy job of a high flying consultant. But the heart wants something entirely different. Say for example to settle down in my happy sleepy hometown somewhere down the line or be able to spend more time with my family. So, while I keep telling myself that I want the former, I subconsciously desire the latter. And, something that I really want with all my heart is what I unknowingly work for! And trust me, it works!!

Every time I keep sending such confusing signals to my brain. So, how do I decide what I really need? Get a doctor? Stick electrodes to my hair and monitor my brain waves? Many people have told me that it need not be so complicated. When in confusion, all you need to do is to list down the things that are good to have and the things that you emotionally desire. Both these things feel so similar yet are so different that you think you want something but you actually want something entirely different!

And then, may be you can train your mind like a white rat in a lab or those monkeys and parrots you see on the road performing. Then you picture yourself going through the emotions when you achieve what you really want. Can you picture yourself happy and content there? If yes, then probably your heart can be tricked to really want what your brain wants!!

Confused?? I know!! Isn't that how we really are?? Confused, needy and pathetic life forms!! :-)

Alien Attack

Looks like I'm on a dreaming spree these days and that too the strangest of things. I know I said this in my last post Dream On too. I had this dream yesterday and though I haven't recorded all my dreams, I thought I'll type this one as this was a little weird.

It all starts with me and some friends of mine standing in the terrace looking at the stars and constellations (the after effect of watching 'The Wrath of the Titans' I guess) with a huge telescope. Suddenly we spot a car shaped star (I had discussed about Adobe Illustrator with a friend yesterday, who is a Graphic Designer and I was told that a star can be modified into any shape using that software). My friends start jumping and shouting in excitement. We start discussing about that star when suddenly we hear footsteps. Its as if someone is running towards us.

We are all shocked to see the President, Sylvestor Stallone (LOL!! I know I know how it seems now!) walking towards us. He was quite serious when he announced that Aliens are planning to attack Bangalore and that me and my friends have to fight them! We are surprised and tell him that 'we haven't seen any aliens through the telescope. Even if they attack, how will we fight them and how will we defeat them?' He said that he has ordered for some custom made M2 .50 caliber machine guns for this purpose (Rambo??). He said, 'haven't you seen the car shaped star. Haven't you seen any alien movies? Aim for the nose. That is their weak spot. We have to eliminate them fast otherwise they will make us their slaves and rule the world! You are the saviors of the world'. (I don't know in which movie I heard this and I didn't also ask why this job had to be done by us!!!!)

After hours and hours of running, shooting, hiding and again shooting, only me and the main alien are left. The alien had its weapon point blank at my forehead and I had my machine gun on its nose!!!

And then.....BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woke up with the torch in one hand, pillow in the other and very glad to be alive :-)

Happy VISHU

May we all be reminded of all those things that are truly wonderful during this wonderful season of yet another New Year (VISHU) - a time to look forward to peaceful, meaningful, prosperous days ahead.

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year (regional) :-)

April 14, 2012 - Vishukkani @ Home

Just another Monday evening :-)

As I was sitting in the bus on my regular commute, I saw an old ad for some matrimonial above the opposite seat which read something along the lines of "Mr. Right could be sitting beneath this ad".

One look at the supposed Mr. Right beneath the ad and it quickly confirmed everything. Just that I was staring at a middle aged woman, reading a book and frowning at something she read :-)

Blah blah and more blah

Sometimes the ironies of life are such...

When you want a conversation, everyone is busy.

When you want to be left alone, people will come seek you out.

When you want to keep a low profile, what you do becomes everyone else's business.

That's when I decide to rebel...

I keep quiet when I want to speak out. My silence works much better than my outburst.

When I realize I am not strong enough to bend will against instinct, I prefer to stay away from things.

And mostly, I smile when I am at my angriest. The argument ends without any permanent damage because the best fights are the ones we avoid :-)

Common Sense Vs Temper

Sometimes, we all are misunderstood and guess what, at the same damn time too! Be it the misunderstanding between friends, siblings, someone you care about or even colleagues, it affects you somehow. When the day has been long, tiring and anxiety ridden and the night just stretches like elastic with loads of anxious moments, you wonder whether to just snap or ignore. I even wonder why I'm even letting things get to me in the first place!!

I sometimes wonder whether the other person is wondering the exact same thing. When you feel angry enough to not want to speak at all, whether the other person is also debating whether to vent out or not. I always remind myself that and rush forward with the olive branch. And then I get angry when this is met with a Kroor Singh look!

Of course common sense tells me that it works better just to let things be until sanity and peace is restored. But, its so very hard to control yourself till then!

Scratchy notes - 3

I was just playing around with my blog a bit and I found it amusing that many people on this planet searched for the keywords "miss you daddy", "cute iyer girls", "iyer girls musings", "identity crisis", "cartoon dads birthday", "dell e5500" and ended up on my blog. Well, it makes sense because a few of my blog posts from the past contains those keywords or is somehow related to them. The curiously amusing part of it is that some poor souls who searched for "dear god help me please" also ended up here! Now, I am not surprised that there are people who even type such things.

What interests me most is did they find what they were looking for when they ended up on this blog? Well, I tried Googling the exact keywords but my blog didn't turn up in any of the search results. Wondering if the country of residence, browser or the search engine would make any difference!

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, it was merely a space for me to type down my thoughts. Writing helps calm me down and often is a means for me to wander inside my own imagination. I never expected to have an audience, let alone a following! My blog has turned out to be more than what I had meant it to be. Its found people - old friends and even new ones who were strangers before!

So, if any of you happen to type "dear god help me please" and end up reading this post here, I just want to say that - Hey, please do not despair. Everything will be alright. Just because all your prayers weren't answered doesn't mean you are loved any less. God probably might be having a bad day Himself or may be the communication link is broken temporarily :-)

Cheer up and stay happy...

Singing out loud

The best place at home to sing to my heart's content no matter how horribly I sing?? Hands down, its got to be the bathroom :-)

With the intimate comfort of the space, the wonderful sound effects and the warmth/chill of the shower, this is where most people think they can really sing! I am no exception. If you put me in front of 10 people, I might hesitate. But in the bathroom, you hear a different me. This is one place where I find solace.

Sometimes, bathrooms can be quite misleading, having you believe that you are better than you actually are! Just think about it. It makes you think that you are like a frog in the well i.e you are the master of your domain and no one is mightier than you. Also, you are surrounded by people who either love you no matter what because you are the apple of their eyes or loathe you or have something to gain from you or people who have this weird compulsive habit of lying. And these scenarios give you an absolute comfort and a great sense of invincibility.

But if you want to know your true worth, you have to throw yourself out there into the ocean and learn how to swim. Yes it would be foolish not to be prepared for what you undertake. Its always good to realize very soon that a million people would say you are very good but only a select few would be there to point out the mistakes that you make. I think the best thing to do is to listen to all, absorb what is needed and apply only the absolutes.

And while at it, you have to continue singing in the bathroom. Who knows what it might lead you to....may be the country's next singing sensation or may be yet another eureka moment!! :-)

Dream On

I am driving this giant eighteen wheeler along some coastal highway and suddenly a huge ice age mammoth comes flying out of nowhere and slams into my vehicle pushing me hard onto the guardrails just inches from the ocean cliff!! Later I find myself alone in a dense and eerie forest. A giant bear appears out of nowhere and belches a hungry growl just inches from my face!! And as if by some spell, I find myself caught in a tornado and my house is pulled off its foundation and gets thrust in this colorful fantasy land crushing a local witch. There is this adrenaline rush which yells at me to lift the house off the witch!!

Well, it looks like I've been watching too many fantasy adventure movies these days because I woke up to the above weirdest dream and it surprised me that I did remember quite a bit of that. Phew!!

Now, logic tells me that lifting a house is impossible for a single human being with regular human strength. However, I guess the mind is numb and immune to all this logic when it comes to dreams. So, in my dreams, I lift the house off the witch, I punch the bear in its face and also jump out of the sunroof right before my vehicle hits the watery grave!!

P.S -  Punching the bear on its face might hurt your hand after the adrenaline rush has worn off. I was icing my hand right after I woke up because in reality, I had hit the bed board!!! :-)

I am sorry moth

Today evening, as I sat in the balcony reading, the soft lights of the setting sun hit my face and it really felt wonderful sitting there and enjoying like never before.

Suddenly I felt a soft disturbance on my left hand and nonchalantly I flicked it with my other hand. I then saw something which seemed like a golden powder on the spot where I had felt the disturbance. I searched the balcony and found a small moth lying a bit far from where I sat. It lay there a little crippled and I felt really really bad about what I did. That moth could have been me!

I just wanted to write this down in order to lighten myself from what happened. I just hope I didn't damage the moth too much. One wing is very thinned with the loss of the color. The other lush golden wing told me what a proud beauty the damaged wing once was before I hurt it. The moth is still sitting in the balcony quietly. It flutters and jumps whenever I go near it and try to touch it.

I just hope it is able to recover, fly again and live like before. I really did not intend this. I am so sorry moth!!